Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before I moved from Kisumu to Mombasa. My hut was full of boxes and there was a G4S truck at the gate. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
When we still kids back in the days, while growing in the bundus, we went hunting for pheasants (aluru) and hares with my buddies, we got back to the village, I lifted up this big 'ol sack of giant hares and several pheasants and this idiot on the at the village market goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them alurus and rabbits?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
I remember while working as a casual with the WFP. One day while in a convoy of those big trucks taking the food to Lokichogio we had a flat tire, the truck driver pulled his truck into this isolated Total petrol station just past Kapenguria on your to Ortum. The attendant walks out, looks at the truck, looks at the driver, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" The driver said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
A buddy who is a car broker was trying to sell a car about a year ago. A guy came over to see him and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. He got back, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
Back to the days of WFP. So another time we had these monster 24 wheeler trucks ferrying grub to the guys up north of our beautiful republic. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. So at the Ortum River bridge, there were some repair works going on hence there was a detour. Seems the 24 wheeler truck driver misoriented the truck and got stuck at the temporary bridge. We radioed in for help. Now a highway cop happened by. He start asking a slew of questions, ok... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked, "So... is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
At a bar in Nyeri
Kamau:.weh weh! Nakuabia bibi yangu
ni wale wabaya,ata nafikiria nyanya
yake arikua anapigana fietnam
ni wale wabaya,ata nafikiria nyanya
yake arikua anapigana fietnam
NJOROGE:wewe shukuru
mungu,kamahujawai gongwo na nyina
wa Njoki
mpaka unaona marudu rudu,yani
kuona dim dim.
Kariuki:weee ,ma ya ngaiŠ“ AKI YA
MUNGU bibi yangu si ati anajua vita,
yeye mwenyewe dio
vita,naonanga akikuja sura. .nakaribia
murango
NJUGUNA:wewe uligongwa lini ya
mwisho,juu mi jana nimegongwa kama
darama ya wakurino. .
KINYANJUI:sasa dugu sangu tumeongea
sana,mi leo najua nitagongwo,ata
naogopa kwenda nyubani. .mi
nagongangwo naskia nitatokwo ni
shaitani,huyo bibi si
mushetho,ata tukiwa nayeye siwesi
ogopa wesi.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The Parliamentary Debate That Never Was
*Mr. Shabeer:* Mr Speaker, I beg to ask the Justice Minister the
following question
by Private Notice.
(a) Why hasn't the Special Programmes minister been compelled to strip naked
as she promised?
(b) If she won't do it, why has she not been arrested for giving false
information
and misleading Kenyans?
*Justice Minister Mutula Kilonzo:* Mr Speaker, Sir, I beg to reply. As we all
know, the honorable Minister For Special programs promised, or threatened
if you like, to strip naked if the ICC confirmed criminal charges against
Uhuru Kenyatta. Well, the ICC called her bluff and did exactly that. But it
has only been a week. I propose we give her one more week to see whether
she will come good....
*Mr Khalwale:* On a point of order, Mr Speaker.
*Speaker:* What is it, member for Ikolomani?
*Mr Khalwale*: Is the minister in order to give Esther Special treatment in
the house? it is not like the ICC will reverse the decisions.
*Speaker:* Order, Mr Khalwale! The ICC may in fact reverse the decisions.
The member for Gatundu South has indicated that he will appeal the decision
to confirm the charges.
*Mr Khalwale:* Mr Speaker Sir, to end impunity in this country, Murugi must
strip. To teach other loose-mouths in the government a lesson, Murugi must
strip. to eassure the public who were misdirected into buying big-screens
for the strip-tease without adequate information, Murugi must strip!
*Speaker*: Order, Member for Ikolomani! Proceed, minister for Justice.
*Mr Kilonzo:* As I was saying, Murugi should be given one more week to come
good, failure to which I will appeal to the President to appoint a tribunal
to investigate her conduct.
*Health Minister Prof. Anyang' Nyong'o:* May I ask what measures the government
has put in place to ensure that the health of Kenyans is not compromised if
and when the Member for Mathenge decides to strip? Kenyans could get
traumatized....
*Speaker*: Order, honorable minister! You are the minister for Health,
and indeed
an integral part of the government structure, shouldn't you be asking
yourself that question ?
*Medical Services Minister Beth Mugo*: Mr, speaker, I have put all government
ambulances and and clinical officers on standby, should the people of Kenya
get shocked by the sight of her nakedness, and in case some Kenyans faint
in the process.
*Finance Minister Uhuru Kenyatta:* My ministry has also dispatched 12.5 million
shillings to Murugi' s Ministry. As the minister in charge of Special programs,
she has initiated an operation-badilisha- wardrobe for her naked stunt. Mr
Speaker, we have approved her proposal to overhaul her underwear. She shall
replace her old Mothers' Union panties with sexy lingerie, at a cost of 400
000 shillings per g-string. (applause)
*Karua:* On a point of order, Mr Speaker.
*Speaker:* What is it, member for Gichugu?
*Karua:* Mr Speaker, is the Finance Minister in order to use public funds to
overhaul the wardrobe of a Murugi? This is a private affair!
*Odhiambo:* we also have our privates....
*Speaker:* Order! Order honorable Millie, you are out of order! Minister for
Finance, you may proceed.
*Kenyatta:* Mr Speaker, the Honorable Murugi is a government minister.
She represents
the image of the government. Therefore, her actions are a direct influence
on the government's image and the government must take responsibility and
act decisively.
*Speaker:* Is 12.5 million decisive enough? I though the government would be
more sufficiently philanthropic.
*Kenyatta*: I have also set aside 5million shillings for the hire of a secure
and decent place for her to strip. Mr Speaker, we propose that Murugi
conducts her strip-tease in Liddos' Discotheque, to be aired live on KBC.
We have also contacted a popular porn website (name withheld) for space...
(uproar)
*Speaker*: Order! Order honorable Members! Can we please calm down and air our
views one by one. Member for Ugenya, what is your problem?
*Orengo*: Mr Speaker, this is an outrage! ODM was never consulted in
this matter.
PNU must recognize that we are equal partners in the coalition. This is
very disrespectful.
*Mr. Musyoka:* Will I be in order to ask for funds for round 3 of
shuttle diplomacy?
The international community needs convincing that this is indeed a noble
act and not in any way meant to spite the ICC. ..
*Speaker*: Mr Vice President that will not be in order. You will need to file
a motion to ask for funding.
*Khalwale*: And how did the Finance Minister arrive at the decision to award
Liddos the lucrative contract? How was the tendering done? What is the
problem with other strip-clubs, for example Apple Bees or **Tahiti**?
*Kajwang*: Yes, Mr Speaker, there is no strip-o -meter! How did he arrive at
the conclusion that Liddos is the best place to strip?
*Kenyatta*: Mr Speaker, this is an emergency. A special program. Tendering will
take weeks, within which time she may be arrested for providing false
information.
*Mbuvi*: Point of order, Mr Speaker.
*Speaker*: Yes, Member for Makadara?
*Mbuvi*: Ni aje vijanaa hawako kwa hii plot. Manze mkibuy mangodha za ngiri
soo nne bila kuinclude vijanaa kwa mpango, hizo ngodha tutachoma! Vijanaa
ndio majority, tunajua kustrip poa baada ua kupractise na zile song ya
bend-over, get down, wezere, kila siku wasee kuchips-fungana kwa club,
twitter na Facebook, experience tuko nayo kushinda wazae despite age
yetu....
*Speaker*: Order, member for Makadara! A point of order is not a debate!
*Bifwoli*: Endi why has chender palance noti peen consiteret in this tepate!
iko wanaume wengi wanawesa kutoa suruali pwana! (laughter)
*Speaker*: Order! Order, honorable members! Member for Bumula, you are out of
order! You know the standing orders well, at this juncture you can only
speak on a point of order or point of information. No one gave you permission
to speak.
*Bifwoli*: I am chust tellingi the truth. Hata sisi wanaume tunawesa kutoanga
suruali. Wakoli Bifwoli can also wear underwear worth 400 000. Mupunge
msima **kama** mimi hawesi shinda amefaa kaptula za Gikomba! Hata uchi
nitatembea, kwanza nimenyoeko....(loud laughter....applause )
*Speaker*: Order! Order member for Bumula! You are out of Order!
*Bifwoli*: In facti nikisimama uchi, na Muruki asimame uchi apo kando, am sure
nitapendeseko kumshinda. (more laughter and applause)
*Speaker*: Order! Order Honorable members, order! member for Bumula, you have
gone too far. That's it. I order you to leave the floor of the House
immediately. Sergeant at Arms, could you please escort Wakoli Bifwoli out
of this House!
*Bifwoli*: (walking out) Uuuuuwi! Uuuuuwi! Marende Pooole! Pole! Marende is
a tikteta!!!
LATER THAT NIGHT ON PRIME TIME NEWS.....
*Anchor 1*. And so, on our opinion question tonight, we ask:
*Anchor 2.* Should Esther Murugi strip naked? I repeat, should Esther Murugi
Strip naked?
Anchor 2. SMS your yes or no opinion to 6**6 and we shall sample some of
your responses at the tail-end of this newscast.****
** **
following question
by Private Notice.
(a) Why hasn't the Special Programmes minister been compelled to strip naked
as she promised?
(b) If she won't do it, why has she not been arrested for giving false
information
and misleading Kenyans?
*Justice Minister Mutula Kilonzo:* Mr Speaker, Sir, I beg to reply. As we all
know, the honorable Minister For Special programs promised, or threatened
if you like, to strip naked if the ICC confirmed criminal charges against
Uhuru Kenyatta. Well, the ICC called her bluff and did exactly that. But it
has only been a week. I propose we give her one more week to see whether
she will come good....
*Mr Khalwale:* On a point of order, Mr Speaker.
*Speaker:* What is it, member for Ikolomani?
*Mr Khalwale*: Is the minister in order to give Esther Special treatment in
the house? it is not like the ICC will reverse the decisions.
*Speaker:* Order, Mr Khalwale! The ICC may in fact reverse the decisions.
The member for Gatundu South has indicated that he will appeal the decision
to confirm the charges.
*Mr Khalwale:* Mr Speaker Sir, to end impunity in this country, Murugi must
strip. To teach other loose-mouths in the government a lesson, Murugi must
strip. to eassure the public who were misdirected into buying big-screens
for the strip-tease without adequate information, Murugi must strip!
*Speaker*: Order, Member for Ikolomani! Proceed, minister for Justice.
*Mr Kilonzo:* As I was saying, Murugi should be given one more week to come
good, failure to which I will appeal to the President to appoint a tribunal
to investigate her conduct.
*Health Minister Prof. Anyang' Nyong'o:* May I ask what measures the government
has put in place to ensure that the health of Kenyans is not compromised if
and when the Member for Mathenge decides to strip? Kenyans could get
traumatized....
*Speaker*: Order, honorable minister! You are the minister for Health,
and indeed
an integral part of the government structure, shouldn't you be asking
yourself that question ?
*Medical Services Minister Beth Mugo*: Mr, speaker, I have put all government
ambulances and and clinical officers on standby, should the people of Kenya
get shocked by the sight of her nakedness, and in case some Kenyans faint
in the process.
*Finance Minister Uhuru Kenyatta:* My ministry has also dispatched 12.5 million
shillings to Murugi' s Ministry. As the minister in charge of Special programs,
she has initiated an operation-badilisha- wardrobe for her naked stunt. Mr
Speaker, we have approved her proposal to overhaul her underwear. She shall
replace her old Mothers' Union panties with sexy lingerie, at a cost of 400
000 shillings per g-string. (applause)
*Karua:* On a point of order, Mr Speaker.
*Speaker:* What is it, member for Gichugu?
*Karua:* Mr Speaker, is the Finance Minister in order to use public funds to
overhaul the wardrobe of a Murugi? This is a private affair!
*Odhiambo:* we also have our privates....
*Speaker:* Order! Order honorable Millie, you are out of order! Minister for
Finance, you may proceed.
*Kenyatta:* Mr Speaker, the Honorable Murugi is a government minister.
She represents
the image of the government. Therefore, her actions are a direct influence
on the government's image and the government must take responsibility and
act decisively.
*Speaker:* Is 12.5 million decisive enough? I though the government would be
more sufficiently philanthropic.
*Kenyatta*: I have also set aside 5million shillings for the hire of a secure
and decent place for her to strip. Mr Speaker, we propose that Murugi
conducts her strip-tease in Liddos' Discotheque, to be aired live on KBC.
We have also contacted a popular porn website (name withheld) for space...
(uproar)
*Speaker*: Order! Order honorable Members! Can we please calm down and air our
views one by one. Member for Ugenya, what is your problem?
*Orengo*: Mr Speaker, this is an outrage! ODM was never consulted in
this matter.
PNU must recognize that we are equal partners in the coalition. This is
very disrespectful.
*Mr. Musyoka:* Will I be in order to ask for funds for round 3 of
shuttle diplomacy?
The international community needs convincing that this is indeed a noble
act and not in any way meant to spite the ICC. ..
*Speaker*: Mr Vice President that will not be in order. You will need to file
a motion to ask for funding.
*Khalwale*: And how did the Finance Minister arrive at the decision to award
Liddos the lucrative contract? How was the tendering done? What is the
problem with other strip-clubs, for example Apple Bees or **Tahiti**?
*Kajwang*: Yes, Mr Speaker, there is no strip-o -meter! How did he arrive at
the conclusion that Liddos is the best place to strip?
*Kenyatta*: Mr Speaker, this is an emergency. A special program. Tendering will
take weeks, within which time she may be arrested for providing false
information.
*Mbuvi*: Point of order, Mr Speaker.
*Speaker*: Yes, Member for Makadara?
*Mbuvi*: Ni aje vijanaa hawako kwa hii plot. Manze mkibuy mangodha za ngiri
soo nne bila kuinclude vijanaa kwa mpango, hizo ngodha tutachoma! Vijanaa
ndio majority, tunajua kustrip poa baada ua kupractise na zile song ya
bend-over, get down, wezere, kila siku wasee kuchips-fungana kwa club,
twitter na Facebook, experience tuko nayo kushinda wazae despite age
yetu....
*Speaker*: Order, member for Makadara! A point of order is not a debate!
*Bifwoli*: Endi why has chender palance noti peen consiteret in this tepate!
iko wanaume wengi wanawesa kutoa suruali pwana! (laughter)
*Speaker*: Order! Order, honorable members! Member for Bumula, you are out of
order! You know the standing orders well, at this juncture you can only
speak on a point of order or point of information. No one gave you permission
to speak.
*Bifwoli*: I am chust tellingi the truth. Hata sisi wanaume tunawesa kutoanga
suruali. Wakoli Bifwoli can also wear underwear worth 400 000. Mupunge
msima **kama** mimi hawesi shinda amefaa kaptula za Gikomba! Hata uchi
nitatembea, kwanza nimenyoeko....(loud laughter....applause )
*Speaker*: Order! Order member for Bumula! You are out of Order!
*Bifwoli*: In facti nikisimama uchi, na Muruki asimame uchi apo kando, am sure
nitapendeseko kumshinda. (more laughter and applause)
*Speaker*: Order! Order Honorable members, order! member for Bumula, you have
gone too far. That's it. I order you to leave the floor of the House
immediately. Sergeant at Arms, could you please escort Wakoli Bifwoli out
of this House!
*Bifwoli*: (walking out) Uuuuuwi! Uuuuuwi! Marende Pooole! Pole! Marende is
a tikteta!!!
LATER THAT NIGHT ON PRIME TIME NEWS.....
*Anchor 1*. And so, on our opinion question tonight, we ask:
*Anchor 2.* Should Esther Murugi strip naked? I repeat, should Esther Murugi
Strip naked?
Anchor 2. SMS your yes or no opinion to 6**6 and we shall sample some of
your responses at the tail-end of this newscast.****
** **
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)