Love, with a heavy dash of Luopean

Dear Jaber,
I have excellently juxtaposed myself at my favorite corner at this juncture, this opportune time to narrate to you the status of my emotional condison and the posison of my heart Vis-a-Viz my lovely lady.
Atoti! It has been exactly two years, twenty three days, four hours and seven minutes from the day that my sight landed unavoidingly on your well endowed external outline. In all this time my feelings have surpassed everything to become true love. My love for you Nyako has grown deeper than the still waters of NAM-LOLWE the place where NYAMGODHO fished out the love of his life.
Nyathijomoko! As I write to you I am smiling, thinking of your beauty for which I have always thanked God. The day I met you, that your beauty struck me like lightening as my body felt weak and my heart skipped a beat. Speaking of God, I must admit that he must have held CONSULTATIONS with me albeit in my dreams because he created you in the very same way I have always described the woman of my dreams. Physically endowed, full chest, beautiful and big brown eyes, White teeth like CHA-CHIEW!
YAYE NYADUNDO! You are the love of my life, the reason of my being, the very essence of my existence. NYAR JO MWANDU! You enrich my life with your ever present and beautiful smile. You are my wealth and with you in my life the likes of BILL GATES and CARLOS SLIM are below my average. Baby you are the answer to all my questions, in fact with you, I have more answers than questions.You are the DOT in my email address and the only number on my mailing box. Sweetheart! you have made my life superliciously outstanding and because of you I have become the subject of envy to men like OBAMA, CLINTON, MANDELA and even JAKOM RAILA himself.
RAPUDO! When I first set my eyes on you I knew I wanted to be your slave. To run far and long, day and night for your heart more than KIPCHOGE KEINO could ever run for the GOLD. NYARJOKAOCHA! My love for you has grown exponentially and multi-purposely in all this time. I love you more than an OKUYU loves MBECHA; I value you more than a MAASAI values his CATTLE; I adore you more than a LUHYA adores his UGALI,CHICKEN and TEA; I want you more than RAILA wants to be PRESIDENT and I will always defend you more than a MERU would ever defend his MIRAA.

Lawyers can be stupid too

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

“The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

“Were you present when your picture was taken?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

“Did he kill you?”

“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

“You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

“How many times have you committed suicide?”

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: I have been since early childhood.

What a Woman wants

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now . . . what is the moral to this story?

The moral is . . .

If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .

Things are going to get ugly!

Courtesy of Siraj Murbe